Vivian K

by Vivian K

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Hayden Karnitz
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Hayden Karnitz thought no way they could top neat freak but then i realized neat freak only had a few songs that i truly liked and i like more than a few of this one. Favorite track: A Cross-Section of Our Potential Selves.
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    Is It Over Yet?

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about

Recorded, mixed, and mastered by Christian Padron of Small Claw Recordings at the Freak Haus in 2015.
All songs written and performed by Jesse Cooley and Dnl Hrs.

credits

released September 1, 2015

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Vivian K

Emotional soft-core from FL. Currently based in Philadelphia.

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Track Name: It's Never Over
Shout out my name like you only ever loved me and I will do the same. I already do that anyway. I never came to the right conclusions about you baby. I was so confusing, wish I'd said what I meant. Don't go away just because I drove you crazy, maybe we can do things different this time. You're way too bright and beautiful for me to lose. You light up every room I'm in with you. Oh what a shame it is to not know you anymore. Why's there still this pain after all these goddamn years? I swear one day I will get myself divorced and I won't hear your name ringing in my ears. And I'll swear this is the last time. And I'll say that I'm glad you moved on but I still get shivers down my spine when I realize all over again you're gone.
Track Name: Orphan
Gripping tightly to her foster mother's sunflower print dress, little Christie gazes wide-eyed at her real mom's final arrest. Three counts for prostitution, three for pills and one for neglect. Christie will have more herself by the time she sees her again. She's only nine years old but she's been through more homes than me. The last place she stayed was with this orphan-loving, born-again family. But they gave her back to the state. They say she killed their favorite cat. Now she stares at the distant orphanage gates and she swears she's never going back. Searchlights beam from the city at night. There are no maps in the sky, only evidence of progress as planes take flight and she wonders why, if there's order in this world than why is it cruel to her? If there's no more room for an orphan girl than why'd I even have to be born? I don't know of any deeper meaning. I think there is less than people'd like to believe. I just hope we can make our own. I just hope you find your way home.
Track Name: No Recess
Do you remember everything that went wrong in your boyhood game of tryna be strong? You were never very good at running around. You always preferred to be reading, sitting down. So you got beat up and called some petty shit. But you got up you knew you weren't supposed to quit. You were scared and tryna fit in. You joined the team but you'd never win. They're all laughing at the way you drop the ball. Boys love to show you how they're animals. You better keep them far away from your heart. All they wanna do is rip you apart. The world is not so great but we're living in it anyway. And you are on your way to becoming something wonderful. You'll just have to wait til you get through this awkward phase and there will come a day when everything's more meaningful.
Track Name: The Black Cat Determines Their Fate
A dialogue about the dont's and do's, pent-up bullshit between who and who. A monologue long overdue, chastizing you and you and you and you. A diatribe, so to speak, or just an angry list. A tirade charade I'm meek or just don't give a shit. I've got the nonsense blues and no one has a clue and I don't care if they do. I'm not suffering from a broken heart. I'm just waiting for my life to start. Or at least to fucking end. Never will I leave the womb again. I've got the uterine blues. Who neutered who? Can you hear it mew? I don't believe in bad luck I just believe in fuck and get fucked. Yes, we're completely screwed if she's in the mood. I've got the black cat blues.
Track Name: Near-Life Experience
It's one of those times when you wanna be alone but you can't 'cause you know that you gotta show your face at a place where everybody goes and if you don't than they'll all be blowing up your phone and you won't get a wink of sleep tonight, wondering what it coulda woulda shoulda been like. Will you regret those times as much as those you knew you should have stayed inside?
It's one of those things that you can't believe is really happening to you like getting stabbed or robbed or run over by a car that'll keep all the people in your life far away from your heart. So let it all out now, while they're still around. If you got nothing to cry about, man you're missing out. It's one of those times when you just wanna break everything in sight but you can't so you drink drink drink all your problems away. You drink drink drink til there's nothing to say. And you blame the world for the damage to your brain. So let it all out now, while you're still around. If you got nothing to cry about, man you're missing out. It's one of those times when you should've known better, one of those lines that really shouldn't matter. It's one of those times when it's hard to define what is wrong, what is right, what to do with your life. Now that you have almost died, you're still alive and wondering why.
Track Name: People From Jupiter
I guess I'll wait another year for you to grow up and me to get old and by then we'll be fucked and by then we'll be sold out. It's all becoming so clear, the reasons we broke up and excuses that you made and the silly differences between those things. I guess I'll have another beer when I should be sobered up but you're still getting fucked and it's better to be drunk when you're waiting on someone else's problems. I'm so sick of being here. I wish we'd just move out like we always talk about living in the now but we're living in the south. Lately I've been tryna steer clear of certain kinds of friends with their fingers on the trends who will sit and pretend that they know about someone else's problems. I start to feel so cynical and then so hypocritical, we all got something clinical that makes us egotistical but if history is cyclical then everything is biblical and I have past my pinnacle so go ahead and riddicule me. I am just a selfish prick, always do what I want and don't give a shit, if someone gets hurt then it's gotta be someone else's problem. You'll never solve them.
Track Name: Look Ma No Hands
My bags are packed and I already miss you. Don't be too sad, I'll be back soon. But not to stay, so in a way, this is goodbye. Now it's all over my head and under my bed and I don't even know if you'll let me go can I really show what it means to be alone. Got myself a job, got myself a car and I still don't even know. Say what you're gonna, I still miss my momma. Who will kiss my bruises when they hurt? What if I get sick and I don't wanna work? Who'll reassure me I'm worth a shit to anybody?
Track Name: Stole A Kiss
We kissed behind the bar, you had no idea what it meant to me. In my head I went too far and pictured us at sixty. We had a thing one summer, went off and on forever. Our friends all worried about us going in these circles. It was that kind of thing where time stood still. The only thing I could really feel was you. But you made me a chump and you made me feel worthless. And I gave you a chunk of my still-beating heart for this. I wanted to get you alone, you made it impossible. You were so popular, I was so hard to talk to. We were supposed to go out together, get drunk and fuck until things got better. But you left with some chump. And you left me there waiting, unable to say why I am choking. Was this a joke to you? You're like a ghost, boo. I see right through. You said we'd always be friends. I should have guessed what that meant. You said this makes so much sense. Is that what you tell all of them? That you made me a chump and you made me feel worthless and I gave you a chunk of my still-beating heart for this. All that you want is some social leverage, some loser waiting to buy you a beverage, a long list of ex's paying you severance. Something relentless. Something that never ends.
Track Name: A Cross-Section of Our Potential Selves
What do you really mean when you say have a nice day? Your eyes scream at me like you have something else to say. Are you going home to no one, or someone I wish was me? Why do you have to be somebody I don't know? And why do you have to be so beautiful? I wanna know everything there is to know about you but I'll get to close and ruin everything I like about this. And I'll never know how perfectly we'd fit together. Maybe this could last forever. Maybe we could make this one night we'll remember for the rest of our lives. Maybe I should go home. Maybe some people were meant to spend their whole lives alone. Why do you have to be so under control? I've seen the way they look at you and I know I could be the one you are looking for. What do you really mean when you say love? What do we really have to be afraid of? I wanna go places I have never been before but I can't take it slow so kiss me before I go. Maybe this won't last forever but maybe we could make this one night we'll remember for the rest of our lives. Maybe I should go home. Maybe some people were meant to spend their whole lives alone. Why does it have to be so difficult? I used to be so self-assured. Why does it have to be this way? Maybe this could be forever. Maybe we could make this one night we'll remember for the rest of our lives. Maybe I should just go home. Maybe some people were meant to spend their whole lives alone. Maybe I should just go home. Maybe I'm meant to be alone.
Track Name: The Thrill of Defeat
Admitting that you like me is like admitting defeat but it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be anything at all. We could be moving on, we could be stalled. But I've had enough. Sometimes it's better to just give up than to waste all your time thinking you're stuck on what people will think of a song that's about them, of a song that's about when you let them down and all you could say is I'm glad you hung around. But I've had enough. Sometimes it's better to just give up than to waste all your time thinking you're stuck. I've had enough. Sometimes it's better to just give up. I've had enough. Sometimes it's better thinking you're too fucked up. I've said too much. Sometimes it's better to not say enough.
Track Name: You Fascist
I wanted you to want me as if you had no choice. Now all you do is haunt me and fill my brain with noise.You probably hate me but you just don't know it yet. You had your reasons to pick a stupid fight. You're always jealous of all the flesh in sight. Now I'm the reason you're never satisfied.

You make me feel like a fascist. You like me better when I am nasty 'cause at least you feel like something when someone makes you feel like trash.

You put me on a pedastal so you could grovel. You never let me get on your level. I used to think that made you special.

You made me something that would hurt you. I wish this weakness weren't so beautiful.
Track Name: Juvenile
I used to think you were so cool, back when I was stupid. There are times when I still want you because my body tells me to. You made me wanna drop it all. You made me feel invincible. You maybe even made me what I am today. A man, standing straight. Tomorrow, some kid crumpling with hate. You're still around most of the time. I try to stifle all my desire. I cut you up, you ruined my life. You got me stuck, it all felt so trite. Mom and dad said you'd take me down a bad road and forsake me. Well the path we took was surely shaky. They locked me up and made me fake your death in my mind. We'd all forgive, forget, in time. But I thought about you every second I was away and knew in my heart we'd meet again someday. When we did I was so changed and you were still the same. Now if anyone loves you like I do. I hope they quit you too. 'Cause I might not be better off without you but at least I don't need you anymore.
Track Name: Dead Friend Song
They found you dead on a Saturday morning. I remember 'cause that's when we used to have band practice before you got into heroin and I got into college far away. And yeah I blame myself sometimes for how you died I could have been a better friend I could have been there for you in the end. And it might be cruel to mention, you'd do anything for attention. I'm not saying that's your intention 'cause I know that you were sad. We all make mistakes and we all have our pain I don't blame you I just miss you wish I had my old friend back. We were friends from the time that we first met. Your parents thought I would be a positive influence. You gave me LSD and my first line of coke. I showed you black metal and read you suicide notes. And I still have a scar from a joke we took to far. We were stabbing in the dark. And yeah it makes me kinda sad but on the other hand it's the only memento of you I have. We all make mistakes and we all have our pain I don't blame you I just miss you wish I had my old friend back.
Track Name: N-A
On the one side of loving you, nothing that I dreamed came true. But on the other hand, if we'd never met, maybe I'd have no regrets. You were holding out for some big change. No matter what I did I caused you pain. It's strange, all of the ways we've changed. The days when we loved each other fade away. I've done my time and no one knows what it's like to be anyone other than them. I know what I am do you know who you are? Do you know who you really are? Think back to when this started. Know who you are. Know who you are.
Track Name: A Lifetime of Painful Memories
Sometimes sadness cripples me, watching yesterday's objects become today's mementos. Scared of what I'll find if I clean up. Scared of what I won't. Notes from you I wish I'd kept. Clothes from ex's I should've given back. Time is a river where we swim apart. I choke on the water let it rip through my heart. Your house, no longer the place where I grew up, contains but a trace of us. Our hometown, littered with new roads to places you now go. All of the old ones closed. The used bookstore now a parking lot. A hotel replaced the theater where you showed me Hitchcock. Time is a river where we swim apart. Let's drink all the water, get back to the start. As bleak as the days seem to become, while we swim away I am still your son and I will be there when the day finally comes that you have grown to tired to stay afloat you can sink if you want to I will be your lifeboat. Life is an ocean where everything drowns. Down at the bottom it's just like the ground. Sometimes sadness cripples me.