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by Vivian K

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03:59 video


released October 30, 2016



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Vivian K

Emotional soft-core from FL. Currently based in Philadelphia.


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Track Name: Friends Are Dangerous
I got bad news the moment I woke up today, took one last look at you and threw my phone away. Weeks go by and you don't hear a word from me. When will I discover electricity? Robot love song, programmed to feel this way. Synthetic satisfaction feels good all the same. It's all my fault, I watched you fade away. The only thing that's certain in this life is change. Now that I'm old everything just hurts. Now that you're gone I just want it to get worse. So get me off of my feet. I think I'm learning to bleed but there's no way to calculate what's inside of me. Wake me up when I sleep. I am falling in dreams. Keep me up with a story, put me down with morphine. Now that I'm old everything just hurts. Now that you're gone I just want it to get worse. Fuck me up when I'm clean I'm yearning to scream. Fuck being young. Fuck you're fun. I'll pull the plug. I am done. Friends are dangerous but they contain us like the sky contains the night contains the stars contains the moon. If the universe contains us, do we contain it too? If i could contain myself, there'd be no room for you.
Track Name: Lethologica
At a loss for words again, he's got these feelings but no sounds to make them with. He could've practiced back in school but he was busy getting good at looking cool.You better keep that pretty face boy, 'cause you ain't got a whole lot else. He says it's all been said and done but with his phone he shows the world his new haircut. You can get by on purely bullshit, it doesn't mean that you are right. Just like everybody else, he's a product on the shelf, he's been spoiled since the day they put him on display. And when no one is around, he still wears his crown, feels like screaming but he barely makes a sound. At a loss for words again, as if this whole damn world had no struggle left. Lethologica. At a loss for words again as if life was meaningless, like a game that you can't win. You could grow up, maybe someday prove me wrong but I doubt it 'cause you really don't have that long. We're all dying and you're not even having fun.
Track Name: Peace Out
Tell me, have you ever known a moment of peace?
I close my eyes to simulate what it's like to simply be.
But all I see is armaggeddon, in the end when we're all dead and nothing matters. If me and all my friends are so unhappy, is happiness what we're really even after?
I know what's right, but I can't keep my head straight. All my life I've been afraid. But all I do is take steps backwards, or at best maintain destructive patterns. If me and all my friends are so unhappy, is happiness what we're really even after?
So what, it's all meaningless. I'm still hungry, broke and depressed. So what, if I'm nothing when I'm dead. I'm still something in my head.
Track Name: Love Is Evil
They're taking their clothes off with a feverish vengeance. They barely make out one gibberish sentence before penetration. Even as they lay in post-coital surrender, their innocence is something you can taste in the air. It's only when they go to say goodbye and a kiss seems a strange desire that the difference in their intent is so suddenly apparent. You can see it in their faces, who really cares. He's late for his meeting. She's late on her period. He laid it on thick til it all got so serious. Now I'm taking my clothes off methodic and sexless and sleeping alone, I don't wanna be reckless. Can't afford to be reckless. Even as I lay in post-coital surrender my innocence is stained by your love forever. It's only when we go to say goodbye a kiss seems a strange desire. It's only when we go to say goodbye, your love's like a funeral pyre. He clutches her like a spent rifle; he's just learned to kill. She seems to only smile at the mercy of the pill. They're taking their clothes off with defeated reluctance. She's keeping her mouth shut to avoid his eruptions. Though they still come together to all social functions they're so obviously looking for something to give life conviction, to give them a reason to exist. Your love's like a funeral pyre.
Track Name: Earl
Here's a version of me you can't touch. Change is tough but you can count on me to stay the same no matter what. Look my hands will still be cut, my voice still rough. And even when I'm gone you can sing my songs, you can have them in your heart forever if you want. But you can forget me, too. Erase me, deface me. When anyone asks you'll just say "who?" and I'll be but a speck in your reality, washed away by time and grief. You don't need me anymore than I need you. Sometimes love gets the worst of me. I push away the ones I want close to me. I'm not fucking sorry but for what it's worth, if it's over now and there was no point, I'd still say we made the right choice.
Track Name: Are Great Secrets Being Held?
You have a way of ruining my day. I can't explain what it is you do to my brain. You're the only one who calls me that name. Now the world is coming to an end and you haven't even heard my song yet. I have a way to put on a new face so I can get my way. You're the only one who lets me out of my cage. I want to tell you everything is fine but I've been hiding from this all my life. I am not your son. I am an alien. So someone had to illustrate these fragments of a life that I remember. Someone who'd be close enough, someone who they thought that I would trust. Of course there was a flaw you see, everything they hid from me I found inside your mouth.And in the parlor of your tongue my secret swept under the rug; my whole childhood was just made up. And when I look into your clouds, the mothership beyond the shroud. It's still comforting somehow. When you speak, I hear the machine calling me from somrewhere lightyears away. Asking me if I'll come home someday. Why do words fail to convey the most important things we have to say? Do we only use them to betray the things inside us we wish we didn't hate?
Track Name: Goodbye (For Now)
It still hurts to see you around. It gets worse, like this whole town, changes shape but stays the same with no escape from the way we carved our names. Now every corner store we loitered at, every cafe, mall, and laundromat just brings me back to a time I wish I never had. If you say you miss me, you don't know what you're missing. When I say we're history, you're not even listening. So drain my blood into this hour glass, I'll bite my tongue 'til the aftermath. When all this air is just toxic gas, will you hold your breath for one last laugh? What are you gonna do when I'm gone for good? Will you curse my name, wish me away like I'm to blame for how you went astray?
Track Name: Can't Wait
I'm finally gonna kill myself. I've got it all planned out like a wedding. They say you've got so much to give, oh well. I give up I'm ready. It's really not all that tragic that nothing I did really mattered. If you could somehow save me, save your strength so you don't blame me. This winter I'll be twenty five and all I wanna do is die. For the first time in my life, I've made up my mind. Yes this is a cry for help but does that make it any less decisive? I'm just another book on the shelf. Does it make me any less insightful? It's not just an impulsive solution, it's my life's work's timely conclusion. No more social constructs. No more sayin life sucks. This winter I'll be twenty five and all I wanna do is die. For the first time in my life, I feel fine. Soon enough I'll be dead and you won't ever see me again. All my problems in my head just like every word I left unsaid. It's not like I really need you to tell me not to but maybe I do. I've been struggling for so long for reasons to live and now that I'm gonna be gone they all seem so stupid. It all seems so stupid. I can't wait to die and leave this hideous world behind.
Track Name: First Snow
Did I make the right choice? There's so much to regret I lose my mind. I thought I heard your voice the other night but it was only the wind as it tried to break into my room, just like you used to when you were high and didn't have a clue or give a shit about the consequences. It was so beautiful. You were my first snow. But I grew cold. So I set fire to all your old notes. I boarded up the windows, put locks on all my doors. If I don't make it through this winter you can make love to my corpse. We all hit rock bottom sometimes. Everyone's pretty ugly on the inside. I'm a mess without you near me. But I confess, I love missing you dearly. I forget your face, your voice, do you hear me? I'm never gonna say that I'm sorry. You're better off if you despise me.
Track Name: Haunted
It's a feeling that I get when you ask me what I'll do next. It's not a conversation that I'm ready to have just yet. Not yet. Lately all I wanna do is sit around and talk about death. So I do my best to forget all the lives I could've lived if I just gave up on this. But it is too late the sun is already setting and I am too far from home to make my way back. No more childish fantasies. No more holding you in my dreams. No hope that anyone hears me. No trace of me anywhere. These days it seems like no one hears a single word I try to say until I'm screaming. I'm losing all my hearing, don't know what I believe in. I'm losing all my feelings. Will I lose myself? Become someone else? Am I invisible just because you can't see me? Did I make you up so something would haunt me? Am I the one your grave flowers for? I don't even have a future anymore. I am just a ghost that you ignore. Am I but a picture on your wall? Just another symbol of your loss. Do you even feel me holding on? Did you ever feel me at all? Am I the one that holds your hand when you do your secret moonlight dance? You're the one I'll never understand, even if I had another chance. But it is too late the sun is already setting and I am too far from home to make my way back. And there is too little time to say goodbye. I'm the one your grave flowers for. You don't have to grieve me anymore.
Track Name: The Acoustic Version Was Better (Stoned)
I'm strung out on you. I'm barely alive. I wanna use you like dope, fill up my insides with your chemicals until we both die. Maybe I shouldn't sing so high. You left me dry. Is this love? I'm on drugs I'm on drugs I'm on drugs. Cold shoulders shrug naked and unloved. No. I'll never get up. Everything's better stoned. Even as a child I was fucked up. When I die, put me on formaldehyde so I can stay high through the afterlife. I put your name on a gravestone. You were my first overdose. I'm a fiend for you. I wanna pass out on you, wake up and use you again. I wanna make love at your expense, hold you deep inside my chest, exhale you, my final breath.
Track Name: It's 9/11 Somewhere
It's an old-fashioned dive bar on the other side of town. But I see you there anyhow. There's never much of a crowd. It's always raining out. It's an old-habits-die-hard chapter of your life. You just need a little more time. It's just another sad song to get you through the day. Tomorrow you'll get paid and maybe things will change. Tomorrow is just a new name for the same day. Things don't ever change. What do you say to them when they ask you how she died? Are you still afraid to fly? What'll you dream tonight: old news headlines, planes falling from the sky? They're all out to get you.